I want school to be over. In the short term, I want this week to be over so I can go back and close 2012 and then have my bitchrod cocktail party on Saturday.

Wally's fun to have around; I really like spending time with him and it helps me get over Andy. But it's still hard seeing Andy at school and then having to get my mind off of him. I'm kind of pathetic that way.

I hope that Midsummer will turn out alright. I can safely say that although I like my character and the people I'm acting with, I still fucking hate the play. I think it's stupid and sugary and trite except for the Mechanicals.

Cheers.

Haven't posted for awhile, huh?

Midsummer is going pretty well from the Mechanical side of things; it's a lot of fun with the guys. I hope Maria works on her vocal stuff as Puck because otherwise no one's going to be able to understand her over all the movement crap she's doing.

I've been accepted into the University of Central Missouri for my MA. I'm still waiting to hear back from Wayne State in Detroit, University of Illinois and Purdue.

My friend Wally and I have started dating; it's kind of a natural continuation because back when we were freshmen Wally and Andy asked me out at the same time. Of course, I chose Andy then because he was more mature at the time, but Wally's grown up a lot and we're having a good time so far. We've gone on a few dates and we've had a pretty rocking time. I hope this continues into the summer. And it's really nice because sometimes I feel what I used to feel when me and Andy were together; really comfortable and enjoying myself and his company. It's nice and refreshing. And I've been making good progress with Bob (my new therapist) these last few weeks. For example, I'm finally able to reflect on all the bad things in me and Andy's relationship as well as the good, and that's a huge step. I still don't know what to do with all of this anger I have, but at least I can be a little more detached and view it more logically. He still won't talk to me at school and I'm pissed because I'm trying so hard to grow up and he's not. I don't know what to do.

That's all for now. I've got to write a story and submit it before 10 AM for a class.

Currently The Rose By The Mediæval Bæbes Dringo Bell see related

Something funny happened in my Fundamentals of Poetry class: we're supposed to write a quasi-erotic poem about someone or something we love. Prof. Dixon said "I say something too because I know that some of you might not be in love," and this douchekeg who I fucking HATE and who's been asking "Is fuck a positive and loving word? Can I use that?" asks if he can write it about his dog, to which Dixon replies, "What, do you want to fuck your dog?"

So inappropriate. But funny!

I think I'm going to just adapt a person rather than try to write about Andy, because it has to be happy and sexual or whatever and I'll just be pining away if I write about him. I'm going to use Qadir as a model and go from there, but only because I can think of lots of good metaphors to describe him and he'll make a different picture than anybody else I know. It has to be in iambic pentameter, but that won't stop me from mentioning "Darling Nikki" by Prince by god.

Watched The Secret of NIMH today; somehow I remember liking that movie a lot more when I was, like, five. Still loved Justin though. He's the rat that's the Captain of the Guards and I remember wanting to be just like him; tomboyishness struck me at a very early age.

I have a bad feeling about Midsummer. I'm worried that the Mechanicals won't get a lot of direction and that I won't feel very connected to the rest of the cast. Maybe it's just a feeling though. I'm afraid that I'll be really isolated from all the girls and the men, like Qadir and Chloe and all of them; not that I don't like my Mechanicals, far from it, just that I don't know if they'll want to talk to me. I guess the best thing to do is just try to be better friends with them. I guess. Maybe?

Andy shaved his head. When I saw the pictures on Facebook I kinda whimpered a little because he looks so different with no hair. I mean, he was really self-conscious when we donated his hair to Locks for Love but at least then he still HAD some. Now he's bald and all of his soft, beautiful hair is gone. I wonder if he did it for fun?

We rehearse Midsummer over Spring Break. Sad pandas.

I have no idea how to proceed with trying to get into Grad School and it makes me scared.

On the bright side ( I can see it every now and again) I'm feeling better for the most part. I'm not getting down as much as I used to and I haven't hurt myself for a long time. I'm optimistic about continuing my therapy with Bob so I can only hope that it gets better.

Well, I'm back from URTAs. I passed on to Final Auditions (which is worthy of pride) but didn't get any callbacks. There's a million reasons why I probably didn't, but I bet one of the big ones is how young I am. I hate to think that it's because they don't think I'm interesting, but it's hard to believe that out of the twenty-something schools that went to Final Auditions NO ONE had any interest in me at all. It's hard to believe that that many people saw no potential AT ALL. So I'm going to wait a week and resend my resume and headshot with my interest in the programs I'm interested in and hope they send me something as well. That's all I can do.

I wasn't terribly lonely in Chicago but it's because I tried really hard to be entertained. I finished The Time Traveler's Wife and watched a lot of cable. I went to the Shedd Aquarium and had a drink with Jen last night. I had terrible insomnia (so much stress over everything) but I hope to sleep well tonight. I'm going to go to bed early I think. Maria got pretty fucking catty because I got passed on to Finals and she didn't, but she got three callbacks from Open Call and I didn't get any so I can't imagine that she's too upset now. I'm pissed at her though. I'm going to try to just not care anymore; I mean, we don't really talk anymore and we don't hang out, so why should I let her make me feel bad? It's not my goddamn fault.

Back to school tomorrow. A return to normality, or as close as I know it?

Currently Alien Resurrection By Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder, Dominique Pinon, Ron Perlman, Gary Dourdan see related

I'm not looking forward to Chicago. URTAs will be stressful enough but on top of that I'll be all alone when I'm not auditioning. I'll be very lonely I think. The only thing I can do is hope that I'll work on my material to keep myself busy and if I get any free time visit some of the sights of Chicago. Matt said that if he was free at any point he'd hang out (since he's going too) so that might be something. Freakin' URTAs, I'll be so glad when they're done. I swear though, I'm going to be a little crushed if I don't get called back. Even though the odds are against me, I'll still be a little crushed.

I've got all these scratches on the middle of my back and I have no idea where they came from. What the frack?

I hate Doug's class because that's the only time I see Andy. I always miss him but it's a million times worse when I can see him in person. We passed each other in the hallway today and he purposely didn't look at me. I was very sad but I know it's for the best right now. Maybe when Godot is done I'll try to say hello to him now and again and see how he takes it. Especially since I won't see him much (perhaps at all) over the summer and then (hopefully) I'll be gone, so I might get to see him again. And if I do get to see him, I hope that I can apologize for all the pain I've caused him. I'd like to tell him that I'm sorry and that I'm so grateful for all of the good memories he gave me, even if the bad ones are tearing me up. And most of all I think I would tell him that I would always love him unconditionally and that I can understand that I have to stop fighting and just let things go. You know, just let go of the pain and the anger and the love and the loneliness. I think that's what I would try to tell him if I could have some time alone with him before I go off wherever. Assuming I go off wherever of course.

I start seeing my new therapist tomorrow, Dr. Bob Atherton. I'm also going to check out a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) group in Omaha that Dr. Arndorfer told me about. I feel like I'll never be fixed though. It's so hard.

I've emotionally tired myself out so I'm going to go to bed now after reading some scanlated manga. Cheers.